'FOOTUROLOGY': DISPATCHES FROM THE FUTURE OF FOOTBALL – PART 5

target man, man

23 May, 2019

Liverpool fans hold a candlelit vigil for the tenth anniversary of their membership of the so-called “so-called Big Four,” the event taking on extra poignancy as Ke’ey Dogleash spunks yet more dollar on overrated north-easterners, including Jimmy Nail, Ant and Dec, Cheryl Cole, one of the Hairy Bikers, and the ex-narrator of Big Brother. After the ceremony, the maudlin multitude shuffles forlornly along to the nightclub of ex-player Andy Carroll for nibbles, spritzers, and optional lines of prime grade cocaine before reptilian Crewe scallies come to pick it up for distribution across the Midlands.

 Brazil u-17s remain united after the suffix distribution 

June 2019

The original Two Ronnies, Corbett and Barker, were bad enough for sowing confusion everywhere, what with their fork handles skit and out-of-sequence Mastermind answers, but that’s nothing compared to Brazil’s Two Ronnies… It’s well known that, originally, Ronaldinho gave himself the diminutive suffix –inho so as to differentiate himself from Ronaldo (Fenômeno), who was known in Brazil as Ronaldinho (on account of there being another, less famous, Ronaldo). When he (Ronaldo to us, Ronaldinho in Brazil) went to Europe, he dropped the –inho, allowing Ronaldinho to drop the Gaúcho. Anyway, their success in the Japan-Korea World Cup of 2002, the Penta, led to a rash of parents calling their kids Ronaldo. By the time of the 2019 under-17s World Cup in Afghanistan, the entire Brazil team is comprised of Ronaldos and thus necessitates all manner of compound suffixes: diminutive and augmentative (Ronaldinhão: ‘Big Little Ronny’) or double-diminutive (Ronaldinhito: ‘Little Little Ronny’), even tripartite suffixes such as ‘Big Little Little Ronaldo’ (Ronaldinhitão) and ‘Big Little Big Ronny’ (Ronaldãoinhaço). A veritable nightmare for commentators and shirt-sellers alike. The Brazilian FA lauds the “nomenclatural responsibility” of parents calling their sons Müller, Socrates, Hulk and suchlike, drawing a slightly overstated parallel with China’s one-child policy.

 Becks: whipping 'em in since 1994

November 2019

At the conclusion of the MLS season, veteran ball whipper-inner, David Beckham returns from what is essentially an $18m per annum modelling gig to turn out for Dagenham and Redbridge, keeping himself at the forefront of the thoughts of England gaffer, Neil Warnock, in case he should require someone to fizz over a few corners. His Royal Hairness is now sporting a homage to former mentor Sir Bobby Charlton’s famous comb-over, a style that is copied (ironically, of course) by the vacuous hipsters of Hoxton and Shoreditch – just as quickly as their hair-growth permitted, of course – while also, oddly, becoming de rigueur in Minsk (albeit sans irony).

 Malvinas Flytraps

17 February, 2020

Tragedy in the port of Buenos Aires as the latest Europe-bound consignment of phenomenally precocious, twinkle-toed Argentine #10s is drowned en masse when their ship, Malvinas Flytraps, sinks in the viscous brown slurry of the River Plate, watery grave for so many of the country’s young.

 boy done good: from Crewe Alex to the inspiration for an indoor ski centre in UAE

11 September, 2021

Incredible scenes of devastation engulf Abu Dhabi as irate Manchester United-supporting Amish fly planes into the Emirate’s petrodollar-funded skyscrapers. US Security forces fail to deduce that there is anything particularly suspicious about modernity-rejecting people enrolling on a course to pilot commercial airliners, nor about the incongruity of these idiosyncratically-bearded boys’ replica tops. Targets for the post-ideological, fitba-motivated suicide attacks included a 1312-storey mosque bearing domes alluding to the Premier League trophy, plus a vast indoor ski centre whose glass carapace was modelled on David Platt’s head.

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